Navigating The Loudest Steps In Recorded History

The time is currently 1:39 AM and for some ungodly reason I am still awake. Its time like these when I would love to smoke my tobacco pipe and take in the cool September night air. There is one problem; however, I live on the second floor up one of the loudest sets of stairs I have ever come across.

Usually, this would not be a problem. Except for the fact that I have a housemate who lives across the hall from me, whom i would not like to wake up. That usually doesn't stop me - I know, I'm terrible - but I do have some rules I have set in place so I can still not feel like a trash person every time I want to go smoke after 11PM.

Rule 1: Find the best route possible

This is easier said than done, but there is a path of least resistance that I find useful. I try to hug the inner most wall down and around the landing. If I happen to hit any step in dead center, it sounds like a tiny wooden bomb going off.

Rule 2: Fast is slow, slow is fast

Basically this rule means practice makes perfect. To avoid sounding like the stampede in the Lion King (RIP Mufasa), I have to mark out my path during the day and try to hit it every time. This makes me a simpler and quieter egress in the middle of the night.

Rule 3: The steps are going to make noise, mitigation is the key.

There is an absolute truth: we are humans and our dumb bodies make noise when we walk. I wish this wasn't the case, but it damn sure is. So, I have to stick to my paths and hopefully, with a little bit of luck, make it down to the last two steps without making too much noise.

Rule 4: The last two steps are the loudest

The last two steps are absolutely unavoidable in terms of sound. Any where you step, these little bastards sound like they were made from the wood of the Mayflower. Warped, waterlogged and creaky as all hell, these steps are best to be avoided. I usually hug the railing and skip the last two steps altogether - which is not as simple as it sounds. But, it must be done for the sake of harmonic tranquility in the house.

Rule 5: Try to limit the number of trips to one

This rule can be the hardest to stomach. Say I forget my lighter or my keys upstairs. What the fuck do I do? One of two things. Either I just call it a wash and head to bed - especially if its the lighter - or I head back up stairs and retrieve said lighter. In the case of the keys, I continue on and leave the front door ajar so I don't have to use my key to gain entry.

In summation, this post is pretty pointless. But, hey, they can't all be winners.