The Florida Fiasco Part 1

This is a story that begins with a bad idea. The year was 2005, and at the time, my best friend Mark was dating a girl named Amberly. I was currently single, but me and my high school sweetheart, Solange, had just broken up. So, I was in need of a good adventure. Or at least, a solid distraction.

So it just so happened, that Amberly, her family and her best friend Nina - who happened to be Solange's sister - all went to Daytona Beach Florida for spring break. Young love is a powerful thing, and the distance was killing Mark. Its important to know that Mark is and was a romantic at heart. For real, I think he would jump in front of a bus if he thought that would make his significant other happy.

Mark gets the brilliant idea that we should drive to Florida from Maryland. Great idea! Save for the fact that we only had $117 between the both of us and one very shitty 1992 Ford Taurus. Being the good friend I am, I encourage this idea. So, as any smart engineering students would, we took stock of our assets. Again, we had the shitty car and the money. We also had two flip phones, a bottle of Captain Morgan and a bottle of Hpnotiq liqueur. That was it, nothing but a can do attitude and a prayer that Amberly's rich ass parents would help us out once we got there.

I printed out a map on MapQuest and quickly ran the numbers. Gas was only $1.88 per gallon, and its 950 miles from Maryland to Florida. The math works in our favor, since its only 38 gallons of gas at roughly 25 mpg, that puts us at around $70. Now our $118 is only $38. Mind you, we had no place to stay or even enough money to get back. But, our plan to get to Florida was solid. At least to two teenagers.

We set out under the cover of night. Mark and I both left without telling anybody. But, we were in college, so I guess we didn't have to. I had the presence of mind to bring a loaf a bread, peanut butter, jelly, no-dos (cheap caffeine pills) and a sleeve of saltines. Along with my map and a three sets of clothes between the two of us - Mark and I were the same height and weight, so we wore each others clothes so much that we referred to them as our clothes.

The beginning of the trip was exhilarating. You know when adults say teenagers think their invincible? That was us, with a bullet. Nothing could possibly stop us. Mark drove like a fucking maniac as we jammed out to Reel Big Fish, Fall Out Boy and a smattering of other pop-punk/rock/ska bands. We thought we were the shit. Two young white dudes on the way to crash someone's family vacation without notice. We had no idea what the word "entitled" meant.

We make it to Florida in under nine hours. The whole way Mark passed cars on the shoulder, sped and generally acted like a motorized ass-hat. Feeling like we just won the lottery, we pop more no-dos and settle in for the rest of the way. Everything was smooth sailing until the sun came up. There was relatively no traffic all the way down, until about 8 AM when we hit Orlando. Disney World traffic... FML

At this point we are hungry, tired and crashing from all the no-dos we threw down our necks. The traffic was at a stand still. We moved maybe two feet in the first hour. Being an amazing co-pilot, I decided to leave the car. Really, I just got out of the car and went window to window seeing if anyone had anything to eat or drink - or if there were any cute girls. I found both.

Enter the Stevenson Family from Rochester, New York, or as we referred to them: God's gift to us. I'll never forget knocking on the window of the silver 2002 Dodge Caravan. Mrs. Stevenson was driving, and she was probably the nicest woman on the planet. Her, her husband and her three daughters (aged 13, 17 and 19) had just gotten breakfast at McDonald's, and they had extra. They also were all blonde with blue eyes. Every last one of them. I had stumbled unto the master race family.

Mama Stevenson loads us up with breakfast sandwiches, hotcakes, coffee and hash browns. She even invites us to eat it in the van - which may sound crazy, but we must have looked so pathetic and in need of paternal love. So I hop in the van. Mark stayed in the car just in case there was any break in traffic - shocker, there wasn't.

As the official ambassador of our little Starship Ford Taurus, I took it upon myself to get to know Rachel (19), Tiffany (17) and Dana (13). Rachel and I hit it off real quick. She was on break from NYU and I flaunted the fact that I played baseball at UVA. Papa Stevenson was a huge baseball nerd, so we talked about how the 90's was the best decade for the MLB.

After about 2 hours of chilling with the Stevenson's, the traffic started to move. I thought about just staying with the Stevenson family. I could have been Sean Stevenson, its got a ring to it. But instead, Mama Stevenson gave me her cell number, as did Rachel and Papa Stevenson and we parted ways as they ventured to the House of Mouse.

Don't worry, this won't be the last we see of the Stevenson's.

We make good time to Daytona Beach, and we end up at Amberly's fancy hotel at around noon. This is where all the hard work pays off. Mark finally gets to see his boo. Psyche. She's not there! Where is she? Mark calls her phone, she doesn't pick up! Fantastic. So we scuttle over to Florida's premier eating establishment, Steak & Shake, to spend the rest of our money.

At this point, both of us are sleep deprived and dehydrated. We do our best to act like normal human beings but the common decency we had 12 hours ago was now gone. Mark pulls up to the drive through. The conversation went as follows:

Drive Thru Attendant (DTA): Welcome to Steak & Shake, how may I help you

Mark: We want food!

DTA: Great, we have a whole menu's worth of items to choose from.

Mark: I see that (Mark quickly scans the menu)

Mark: What the fuck is a peach shake?

DTA: Exactly what it sounds like.

Mark: Hmmm, so its terrible. By the way, shakes are dairy-based, how the hell do you milk a peach?

DTA: Would you rather have a Strawberry, chocolate or vanilla shake sir?

Mark: I don't want a shake. I want McDonald's. Do you guys serve McDonalds?

DTA: No sir, we're Steak & Shake, there is a McDonalds down the street though.

Me: Oh sweet, this menu is weird, lets go to McDonalds.

Mark to DTA: We're going to McDonalds.

That's when we moseyed over to Ronald McDonald's house to clog our arteries. We gave the Drive Thru Attendant no guff and we ordered off the dollar menu. I got three chicken snack wraps and Mark ordered and subsequently inhaled some double cheeseburgers. We both get sweet teas and debated whether or no we should day drink. Mind you, we still had two bottles of liquor in the trunk.

We decide to stay sober until we meet up with Amberly and Nina. Two hours later, we learn that Amberly is at the hotel pool. So, we head back to Amberly's hotel. We walk in the hotel like we own the place and follow another family passed the locked door to the pool. Mark surprises Amberly, they hug and kiss. I awkwardly wave at Nina.

Nina and I had been friendly for years, but we were both a couple of weird beards who didn't know what to say to each other half the time if we weren't talking about her sister.

Nina: Does Solange know you're here

Me: Nope. Nobody does.

Nina: She's gonna be pissed and probably think we hooked up.

Me: Nah, we're broken up

Nina: Oh is this the 4th or 5th time?

Me: Second, smart ass.

We laughed and told the happy couple to get a room. Which was a bad idea, because they soon disappeared for about a half an hour. I decide to text Rachel Stevenson, my crush of the day. I decide to tell Nina about Rachel and the Stevenson Clan. She doesn't quite know what to do with the information. She's loyal to both her sister and to me, so she just keeps her mouth shut and doesn't entertain my new crush.

I also tell Nina about the bottles of liquor in the the car. Probably the best idea I've had all day. It is now 2:30PM and we begin day drinking. Amberly's dad, who wasn't that surprised to see us, bought us a hotel room for a couple of nights. He also gave me money for food because he doesn't trust Mark. He doesn't have a reason not to trust Mark other than the fact that he is dating his daughter. But, I guess that's all the reason a father needs.

By the time Amberly and Mark return, Nina and I are already pretty buzzed. Mark grabs the bottle of Captain Morgan and begins to chug it Animal House style in front of the entire pool. Which consisted mostly of families. We just couldn't give two fucks. We drink, we nap and we get ready to head down to the beach for the night. I call Rachel and she convinces her mom to let her borrow the van and drive the hour from Orlando to Daytona. For real, the Stevenson's are the best.

Rachel arrived at the hotel around 6PM and we pile into the Taurus. Amberly takes shotgun, so I'm in the back sandwiched between my new crush and my ex's sister. Fantastic. Rachel and I hold hands and Nina laughs out loud at us. "What are you guys 12?" She says. We just ignored the comment and Rachel made a retort about Nina being the 5th wheel. Classic.

The beach is crowded as hell. Not with your run of the mill tourist, but with bikers. Yup, we happened to show up right in the middle of bike week. The last thing five entitled white teens need as a compliment of bikers. It was a mad house. Even the Krispy Kreme was filled with bikers. We just couldn't escape them.

We eventually found a nice place to put up shop. We break out some towels that Amberly brought, along with our two remaining half-filled bottles of liquor. We all start drinking and bullshitting about nonsense. I truly can't remember what we talked about. I do remember Nina being kind of shitty. But, she went off on her own after about forty-five minutes.

I also remember being really into Rachel. she was gorgeous and funny with an acerbic wit that matched my own. Mark and Amberly were busy being a new couple. We all know all too well how intoxicating that first few of months of a relationship can be. I had been with Solange for years, so I had forgotten how all-consuming that feeling can be. Enough that Mark would travel almost a thousand miles just to spend time with Amberly.

Time flew by and Nina eventually returned with a dude. He was your basic fuck boy Abercrombie model that was all to prevalent in 2005. I can't remember his name, so we'll call him Chad. Well, Chad was already drunk when he arrived at our camp. He did the usual alpha male bullshit. Shaking our hands too hard, talking about how much he could lift. I'm sure you get the drift.

Now that everyone has coupled up, we decided to walk along the beach. The sun was setting and it was genuinely beautiful. I remember Nina trying to hold Chad's hand. They were walking right in front of us when he slapped her hand away. If that wasn't infantilizing enough, he also kept calling her babe. Now, I'm not averse to calling someone babe. It was just the way he said it. With that fake ass California surfer boy accent. Gross.

Along the way, Chad bumps into a biker and begins to mouth off. "Great." I thought. "Chad's going to get us killed." The biker squares up on ole Chad quick. Mark has the presence of mind to keep walking. So, Rachel and I quickly follow. Mark knew in that moment what I would come to realize. We owed no loyalty to Chad. If anything, maybe getting his face kicked in would improve his personality. It certainly couldn't hurt.

I vaguely remember the back and forth between biker guy and Chad. It's not worth revisiting. Just a lot of "Bros" being brandied about. Mark eventually turned around and was able to negotiate an armistice. That was one thing about Mark, he was always super charming. He could sell anything to anyone. And in this case, he sold the biker on the fact that Chad wasn't worth the parole violation.

With the crisis averted, we continued on our journey. We traveled in relative bliss until it became clear that Drunk Chad was going to be a problem. And he was. It began with a few misogynistic comments towards the ladies of our group. Rachel doesn't take too kindly to this, and they begin to have a back a forth. I look over to Mark and we have a short wordless conversation.

Me: Fuck this dude.

Mark: I'm here if you need me

Me: (Nods in approval)

Rachel and Chad continue to bicker until he calls her a bitch. This is where my hero complex kicks in. I stepped to Chad, this distracted him just long enough and Rachel slapped him so hard across the face that he fell down. It was glorious. "Aw Hell yeah!" Mark yelled. I just stood in stunned silence. Nina got a bit salty, but she new Chad deserved it. So, she backed off rather quickly. Lest she be the second victim of Slapageddon.

I quickly lifted Rachel unto my shoulders like a prize fighter who just knocked someone out in the first round. We all laughed. Save for Chad, who looks like he might cry. He stood up, dusted himself off and came towards me and Rachel. Mark cut him off and basically told him to get the fuck away from us. I put Rachel down and backed Mark up. Chad was easily bigger than both of us, but he wasn't bigger than both of us united. I had known Mark since the 2nd grade, we used to beat the shit out of each other for fun. Chad wouldn't have stood a chance.

Slapped and shamed, Chad went off into the night air and Nin followed. As soon as they were out of range, we all rehashed the "slap heard round the world" in painstaking detail. That was when Rachel seized the opportunity and kissed me. It was then, in that moment, that I felt alive for the first time in years. A simple kiss from a badass woman, that's all it took.

We walked the beach, drank and bullshitted for hours. It was incredible, or it was, until my phone rang just after nine o'clock. The name Solange was plastered across the front of my phone. I told Rachel who it was, she already got the backstory from Nina in the car ride up. So, she knew we had a long history. Rachel tells me to pick it up. "Fuck that, I'm here with you." I said. This is when I was granted my second kiss of the night.

About 10 minutes later, she calls again. I ignore the call. Solange then bombed my phone for fifteen minutes straight. "It might be an emergency." Rachel said. Empathy radiated from her.

"Fine. if she calls again, I'll pick up." I said. I wasn't done saying the sentence when the phone rang again.

Me: Hello?

Solange: Are you so busy with your new girlfriend in Florida that you can't even pick up the phone?

Me: Fucking Nina! That little rat.

Solange: I know we're taking a break but I didn't think you'd move on so quickly.

I was speechless. My glorious night shattered by one phone call. I walk away from Rachel, Mark and Amberly to continue the call. I had never known Solange to be jealous, or whatever this was.

Me: Can we talk about this later?

Solange: You didn't even tell me you were leaving. I was planning on coming over tomorrow to try and patch things up.

Oh boy. This one sentence sent a dagger through my heart. This was the love of my life, at the time. I could hear the defeat in her voice. I couldn't stand to cause her any pain. I ended up wiggling my way out of the conversation and promised to call her back in the morning.

I sulked back to the group and told them what had happened. Rachel was comforting and understanding. We walked off and talked for hours. It was like that episode of Boy Meets World where Corey meets Lauren and cheats on Topanga. I couldn't deny the feelings I had for Rachel - even though we had just met. But, I was still in love with Solange. Rock, meet hard place. Luckily, things would only get more complicated from there.

To be continued...