Bad Date Redux

So, I'm pretty sure we've all been on a least one bad date before. Whether its a blind date, or a date your friends or parents set up, shit can go wrong fast. In my case, it was a date with someone I met on a dating site.

This person (whom we'll call Karen for the purposes of this blog) and I matched on the garbage fire of a dating site named Plenty of Fish. Soon into messaging she gave me her number and we began texting. She seemed nice, but it was apparent she lacked empathy. Not enough to make her a psychopath or sociopath, but enough where we had a hard time connecting about anything other than food - and boy, did we talk about food a lot.

Right off the bat, she wants to go for sushi. That's cool with me, I fucking love sushi. So we set up a date for the coming weekend. Great, grand, wonderful. This is where things take a turn for the worse.

Because of her hectic work schedule, she rescheduled the date on three separate occasions. The entire time this is going on, we texted and called each other every day. It was a weird type of pseudo-dating that is all too prevalent in 2021. Its pretty obvious we both had feelings for each other, but due to her inability to express emotion, she never directly said it. Mind you, we still hadn't met in person.

Two weeks later, and we finally set a time and place for the date. We decided on a cool Turkish joint that doubles as a hookah bar. What could go wrong? The day finally arrives and I'm pretty nervous. Mostly because I genuinely like this person and I want it to go well. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

First things first, its important to know that I don't drive. She does though. So, I take the bus. Now, she doesn't offer to pick me up, nor drop me off. I didn't think that was a big deal, but my friends all said it was a dick move.

I get to the restaurant first and wait about ten minutes until she shows up. When she does, she has to park several blocks away - This will come into play towards the end of the date. So, she walks up to the restaurant and its clear she was using a picture of herself from about a year or two back on the dating site. That's not a big deal with me, but it just threw me off a bit. I'm not here to judge anyone on their looks.

Upon meeting her, I say "Sorry I'm not better looking." This is clearly a joke. However, she takes it in earnest and responds, "That's a weird thing to say" in the most judgmental tone she could offer. Its clear she doesn't have my sense of humor. To make matters worse, the restaurant is completely empty, save for us. I picked the time of 5PM instead of 6PM, so this is clearly my fault according to Karen.

We do our best to converse but we have nothing in common other than the fact that we both consume food for sustenance. Its also clear that she does not find me attractive. She doesn't say it, but her body language was writing a novel on the subject. To be nice, I tell her she looks beautiful. She scoffs at this like she's Bill Nighy's character Viktor in Underworld.

All possible avenues of conversation are attempted and subsequently quashed by Karen's perimeter defenses. But we manage to get through the meal and unto the hookah. She talks about how much money she makes and all the fancy things she wants from life. She called Guardians of the Galaxy the worst movie ever and vehemently defended her favorite movie: Water World. Karen tells me that she voted for Trump. I'll just leave that there. She called her mother, continuously texted and checked her Instagram and Snapchat about every minute.

I pay for everything, I sit in near silence for four hours - four fucking hours! - and she even asks me to walk her to her car because she is "afraid to walk alone" down one of the most densely populated streets in Pittsburgh. Unlike Karen, I have empathy for my fellow humans, so I walk her to her car. On the way, she tries to get me to buy her Ice Cream. I just kept walking, wanting so badly to be released from this horrible social contract.

We get to the car and Karen gives me and ass out hug - yup, just like Vince Vaughn said in Wedding Crashers - and says thank you. She drives off into the warm august night as I hike the 1 mile uphill journey to the bus stop, utterly defeated and alone.